Trying Again: Making the Decision

For the month of October which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month,   I am starting a series on Trying Again.  Today's blog post is about Making the Decision to Try Again after a Pregnancy Loss, Infant Loss, Stillbirth, or Miscarriage.

Making the decision to try again is not an easy one.  This decision may trigger many different emotions and bring on anxiety, fear, guilt, inadequacy, hopelessness, and a sense of failure.  In this series I plan to equip you with the questions to ask yourself and partner to prepare your mind, body, and inner self for another pregnancy.  

Below are 3 questjons you should ask yourself before you and your partner make the decision to begin to actively try to conceive after your loss.  

1. Emotional Stability - Are you emotionally ready for another pregnancy? 

Do you still have guilt, fear, anxiety in your heart and mind?   

I remember after I lost my son BJ thinking there is no way I could go through another loss again.  Every thought that consumed me was what I could’ve done differently, ate better or even worked out more.  I took that time to journal my thoughts to get my emotions out.  I prayed even when I couldn’t to God that he would give me another child one day.  

Have you been able to pray?  Have you prayed to ask God is it time to begin to try again?  Is God apart of your decision process?   

Work through your emotions, pray even when you don’t think you can, and ask God is it time to try again. 

“For God has not given you the spirit of fear, but of love, power, and a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7

2. Working through your grief - Have you taken time to grieve about the death of your baby?

I say death because that’s what it was even if you experienced an early miscarriage, your baby died.  Giving yourself time to grieve can help reduce those feelings of guilt, anxiety, fear and hopelessness.  Grieving helps you heal.  If you don’t allow yourself to grieve you will continue to feel unsettled, disconnected, and hopeless.  You need to work through your grief to move to peace and happy anticipation of the next pregnancy.  

Now, don’t get me wrong those feelings will find there way into your next pregnancy.  However, working through them will free you from the grip of those emotions.   

When it was time for us to go to Grief counseling I did not want to go.  I was happy and content in my negative feelings because no one in the world understood the pain I felt so I thought.  My grief counselor shared his story of how he grieved the loss of his daughter who was taken away from him when she was young.  He didn’t know if she was still alive, but he had hope.  He recommended I journal my thoughts, as journaling helped him through his loss.  Journaling changed my negative thoughts into positive ones and is how I healed from my son’s death.  The gulit, shame, and hurt feelings did not magically go away, but they did diminish so that I could try again for another baby.  

3. Cautious Excitement - Are you mentally prepared for the challenges of a subsequent pregnancy?

How would you cope if you had fertility issues?   How would you cope if you had another loss?   Do you want another baby or the baby who just died? 

These are a few questions to ask yourself if you are mentally prepared for the challenges of another pregnancy.  

These are questions I had to ask myself after my second trimester miscarriage due to cervical incompetence.  I knew my next pregnancy was going to be a challenge and could end up in another miscarriage if I wasn’t mentally ready.  I had to take time to get out of the fog.  I had lost two babies in less than 10 months time.  Once my good days outweighed my bad days, I was ready to make the decision to try again.  

Are you ready to make the decision to try again?  

If you are thinking I need to talk to someone to help me through my grief.  I’m opening up a few Free discovery calls for those interested in Grief and Transition Coaching with me.  Email me at info@ericammcafee.com for more information and to set up a time to chat.  

Stay tuned to next week we will talk about Trying Again: I’m Pregnant will my body fail me! 

Keep the Faith! 

~Erica