Am I Content with Not Having More Children?

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I shared my pregnancy loss and miscarriage story in Episode 1 of the Erica M. McAfee Podcast, and what I left out in that story my husband shared in Episode 3 of the Erica M. McAfee Podcast.  He shared our story of having our son Maxwell, why he is disabled, and how I lost my ability to have more children.  Go take a listen if you haven't to understand how to Trust God through your Grief and Loss. 

So, in this season of new beginnings for me God has been pruning and speaking to me.  I have thus far interviewed over 18 women for the #EMMPodcast.  Before each interview I pray and ask God to use me and use them to share what's on their heart so that he will get the glory.  Each interview, every women that has tried again for another child trusted God, even though it was hard, that God would grant them the desires of their heart.  I started to question God on my desires, and the real reason I did not want to have anymore children.  Was I really content with not having more children?  

Over the last few months my husband Brandon would randomly text me that he wanted another child or that he was ready to adopt.  I would brush him off and say "we can't afford another child" or "God blessed us with Max, I'm good with my one."  But really deep down, I have always wanted more children.  To be honest, I have struggled with the thoughts of having to always take care of Maxwell.  Due to his cerebral palsy we will more than likely have to take care of him for the rest of his life, and he may never live independently.  How could I give myself emotionally to another child if I am always focused on Maxwell's care and comfort?  

I also have been emotionally dealing with not having a uterus.  It has made me infertile obviously, but more importantly it has made me feel less of a woman.  I don't have a monthly reminder nor do I have to worry about purchasing feminine care products.  Which I'm sure many of you reading this post if you are a women would be ecstatic about, but loosing my uterus was out of my control.  I could not control being 29 years old and in early menopause.  

Now, I still have my ovaries which makes me a candidate for IVF/Surrogacy.  I’ve gone to two different fertility specialists about the possibility of freezing my eggs/embryos.  We are still in the decision process of moving forward as this would be an out of pocket expense for us.  But everyday God reveals to me his love for me and opens my heart to the thoughts of having more children.  I pray that I continue to work on myself and be not just content with my one child but that my heart continues to open up to having more children.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month and I will be starting a blog series about Trying Again.  From being afraid to get pregnant, getting pregnant and afraid body your will fail you again, the anxiety and stress during pregnancy, celebrating milestones throughout pregnancy, and Rainbow baby and future pregnancies.

I hope you join me for this series and for my personal journey of Trying Again for more children.

 

Keep the Faith! 

~Erica